Peter Pan!

“Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.”

Have you ever felt like being an adult just doesn’t work for you sometimes, and how great things would be if you could just go back to being a child?

Peter Pan knows best that adulthood can be hard. He knows once you grow up you can’t come back.

“Who let me adult? I can’t adult!”

We were talking about adulting often. And how we wanted to be adults so bad. And now look at us. Just look at us.

Adulting sometimes feels like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

And isn’t it funny that we want to run away as an adults more then we ever did as a kids.

Sometimes I wish I was a little kid so I could go take a long nap and everyone would just be proud of me.

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We are closing our eyes hard!

Why you ask?

Because you must close your eyes, otherwise you won’t see anything.

And closing eyes hard means making a wish..finding a happy thought. Happy thought and a little bit of pixie dust will make you fly.
“Think of the happiest things. It’s the same as having wings.”

We are closing our eyes hard for all the wishes we have.
We are closing our eyes hard for all the dreams.
We are closing our eyes hard so that our dreams come true…and if you keep on beliving , the dream that you wish will come true.

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

My wish for him was always comfort on difficult days, courage to know himself, faith to belive, his dreams staying big, happiness to keep his spirit alive, kidness and grace, smiles when sadness intrudes, staying true to himself, loving himself first, confidence when he doubt…

My wish for him is that he knows that someone somewhere loves him and see the world in him.

I wish that he know his worth.

I wish that he quit hiding his magic, the world is ready for him.

I wish him enough “Heys” to get him through the final “Goodbyes”.

I wish him happy!

“Never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” Peter Pan

Good kind of crazy!

Truth is, I’m crazy for him.

I’m truly, madly, crazy, deeply in love with him.

That smile of his drives me crazy.

He drives me crazy in all the right ways and sanity is so overrated.

It’s good kind of crazy.

Have you ever been so wildly attracted to someone you can actually feel it’s driving you insane?
Ohhhhh I am! and I’m embracing the glorious mess that I am.

But still…and even… he is my favourite place to go to when my mind searches for peace.

He touched me.
He touched my heart in so many ways with his gentle tenderness that I’m lost forever in his love.

Only he could do it. Only he could steal heartbeats from my chest. Only he could touch hidden places, fill the empty spaces and only he could whisper love rhapsodies to my soul.

I fell in love with the way he touched me without using his hands. It feels amazing to be touched by the person who understands your mind, the person who acknowledges your flaws and love your soul.

He touched me in a way no one ever did before…and when he touched me for the first time, I knew I was born to be his.

My soul made love to his soul long before our bodies met.

I will always be amazed by him.

“And if love be madness, may I never find sanity again.”

Meet me by the sea!

It was Sunday. Sunny Sunday on the island. I was walking around, getting lost on tiled streets, embracing beauty and sun of November.

I remember I was wearing black short sleeved dress and sneakers in mid November. My hair was wavy because of the salt in the air and humidity.

I was walking not knowing where the path will lead me.

I lost an earring that day, somewhere on the streets of that beautiful island that he so loves. I remember it was my favourite one but I embraced the fact that if it had to be lost I was happy that it was there.

I was hoping that whoever found it was wondering about the earring, the owner, what brought person to that island…I hope whoever found it was wondering what was the story behind.

The one earring that was left I sent to him on Christmas and asked him to “lost” it on the streets, throw it in the sea or do whatever with it…I just knew it belong there.

Like most of the time I had my book with me in the bag. I set down on the bench…I was waiting for someone in my head.
I took a book and got lost in my mind.
People were talking, birds were singing, cars were passing by…children were laughing.

I heard signal on my phone in the bag.
It was a message. It was a message from him! It was written “Meet me by the sea!”.I was smiling at my phone. I was wondering how lucky one woman can be. He didn’t realised how amazing he is to me. I wanted to see him so badly and was thinking…dafuq?! sea is all around the island.

I got another text…I smiled.
It was written “Go down to the sea”.
I put book in my bag and throw bag over my shoulder.

Another text came while I was walking…”When you come to the sea find a big pier with benches.”

I was walking faster..to be honest I was almost running, I was sure he was waiting for me there. I found a pier…walked all the way to the end, looked at every bench…he wasn’t there.

Another text…it was a photo. Photo of “his” tree! I was thinking “ohhhhh I know where I have to go.” Walking, looking around for his face…

Another picture came. It was him on the photo smiling…I could saw in the back long black and white tiled wide pavement. Have I told you I love his smile?

So…I was waking further, got to that pavement and while I was walking got another photo. It was this huge square, I could see flag of his island, sea and a cruise ship. I knew where that is. He texted me “I’m waiting for you by the sea.”

I was walking and smiling…I remember like it was yesterday…me thinking how damn lucky I am to have him in my life. I remember me thinking it was kinda walk of faith. I remember me thinking how damn worth he is finding, worth knowing and worth loving.

I was walking and saw him..sitting in the bar, he was wearing that smile! He knew that he made my day. I knew he was excited to see me. And I… I was wearing the smile he gave me.

I set down. Looking at him.
And realised that one of the most attractive things on him is effort. Knowing that he really wants to see me, talk to me and wants to make me a part of his day.

Knowing that he is trying every day to put smile on my face…that makes him worthy.
And he is worthy…he is sooooooo worthy!

At that moment I knew he will never be anything less than everything for me.

Bucket list!

I have my bucket list..and he is all over.

It’s funny how someone has a power to sneak in almost every wish, dream, goal..how someone is all over life bucket list. That doesn’t mean that bucket list is changing, it means it’s growing, it means I just want him in every thing I do.

Is it weird to wish him in everything? Is it weird to wish him to be part of everything? Is it weird to wish him holding my hand in every step I do?

Is it weird? Or is it true love? Pure love, unconditional, endless?

Bucket list of us or let’s dream together:

  • introducing eachother to our families
  • kissing in the rain
  • his arms around me
  • forehead kisses
  • showers together
  • reading to each other
  • taking care of eachother
  • getting lost in the woods
  • bonnet, us, woods
  • going to the roadtrip
  • baking together and put some flower on us
  • having breakfast in bed every Sunday
  • sneaking out of family dinner
  • sharing Christmas together with ones that are not so lucky
  • watching fireworks for NY
  • building blanket fort
  • going to see the basketball games of kids
  • slow dancing in the living room
  • kissing under waterfall
  • cuddling with him every night hard core
  • adopting street dog and cuddle hard core
  • chocolate ice cream in the house
  • black board in home to write notes to eachother
  • leaving notes so that other one finds in when least expected
  • sleeping in tent
  • watching the stars
  • watching Narcos together
  • holding hands and never letting go
  • making sangria with Frize limão
  • ironning naked
  • loving the rain
  • watch “Room in Rome”
  • going to Rome
  • making routins
  • making home and not just a house
  • waking up next to eachother every morning
  • kissing goodnight every night
  • going for a concert in front row
  • going to snowy mountain and cuddle in front of the fireplace
  • staying in bed all day
  • call in sick to stay in bed
  • body paint eachother
  • eating sushi from eachother
  • learn how to sail
  • trying something new in bedroom or out of bedroom
  • kiss on midnight for NY
  • writing notes on a steamy mirror
  • having our song
  • riding bycicle
  • driving along the coast to my island
  • singing loud in the car
  • skinny- dipping
  • pretending that is Valanetines day in August
  • every year holidays in October
  • wine tasting
  • wearing butterflies wings
  • sharing time with both families
  • learning eachothers language
  • cacao for two
  • having olive tree in the apartment
  • sitting on the bench when we will be old and gray
  • blowing candels together on his 70th birthday
  • becoming old and forgeting our names..and calling eachoter by nicknames which would usually be “idiot”
  • making each other smile
  • laughing out loud
  • falling for eachother every day
  • telling eachoter every day how much we love
  • inhaling my last breaths only in his arms
  • never stop dreaming
  • reaching utlimate happiness together

…and many many more.

To make long story short.

Once you care, you’re fucked.

He is my bucket list!

Lighthouse

I have a thing with lighthouses! They are so magnificent. They are standing there, shining and showing the way. They are guiding light between the ocean. They are peace in troubled sea.

In order to shine so brightly the darkness must be present…they are sending out hope in the night.
They are at the edge, alone and still standing.

When we first met after 18 years he took me on a trip.
I remember him waiting in a car, remember smile he gave me…I remember I felt happy. I will never ever forget that smile, that moment.

We were in the car together after 18 years. We were driving and talking and smiling and laughing. He was showing me island that he so love through his eyes and I loved it. He was the one that make me fall in love with that beautiful island…and he make me fall in love with him too.

We stopped for a brake…to light a cigarette, to see the stunning views, to smell eucaliptus, to smell the sea…we stopped to make memories.
We stopped to buy pastel de nata..even though he hidden chocolate in the car. We sang in the car.

We talked about everything…we were together at last, enjoying our time.

Route went through some awesome master piece tunnels by the sea. We parked the car in the entrance of one, and walk to the end of it…I could hear waves crashing, it was different world at the end of that tunnel…power of ocean could be seen and heard. I felt tiny next to the strenght of the ocean..It was magnificent.

Road took us under the waterfall…all I will write for now about this is that one has to see and experience that before dying…beauty like that deserves alone chapter (coming soon).

We were driving, making turns on the widing roads..we put down the windows so that we could feel breathe of fresh air.

We were starting to go down..and through the tunnel…and there he was…magnificent lighthouse at the edge of the beautiful shore.

He knew I love lighthouses and he made extra effort to show me one. For me what was even more important…that he was next to me, he took me there…He remembered.

This lighthouse is special. Standing tall on his island. Standing on the edge that is seems like the end of the world.
It was wonderful.

There could be no finer place to be, for that view of the ocean and fresh salty air, sunbeams warming our faces…and HIM!

I should kiss him there! I so wanted to kiss him there! I should kiss him…over and over, more and longer!

I made him a present and this place was perfect to give him that.
I made him his own “souper hero” spoon and his own “Häagen-Dazs ice cream” spoon. I knew his “the thing” with spoon and hoped he will love it…and that is something only for us to know.
It was perfect place…he was perfect.

Year and a half later we took time for holidays together.
It was his birthday. We took a trip over the island and we both agreed that we want to see that lighthouse again together. This time I kissed him…I was falling more and more.

We decided to go for a lunch and bottle of wine nearby. It was homely restaurant with perfectly made fish. We talked and smiled a lot. I was hoping I’m somehow making his birthday more beautiful. I was hoping he is exactly where he wants to be, we who he wants to be.

In meantime, night fell down and the owner of the restaurant suggested us to go to the lighthouse again.
I will never be thankful enough to that man.

Lighthouse at night is like a fairy tail, it’s marvelous.

In the darkness the only sign of life was beams of light. Between black night and black ocean it gave illumination to the waves, sculptured by the wind, dancing, powerful.

Standing there, seeing magic, his presence and his hug made this moment one of my favourite moments of my life.

We made memory that will last a lifetime. You never forget your first!
I was happy! I was embracing moment.
I was exactly where I wanted to be with who I wanted to be.

 

He is like that lighthouse.

He is the brightest light.

He is my guiding light.

He just shines and lightning up my world.

Within him is a light of a thousand suns.

Let’s sail away!

I’m a true sea lover. I’m an oceanholic. I’m a thalassophile.

My dream since forever was to find my spot by the sea. I’m islander by heart.
Back then I didn’t knew about the small island which I call green garden in the ocean but I realised it later that that was what I was dreaming off…I realised that is a place where I could live and let my roots grow. But…it’s not just about sea…it’s about person you want to grow with, you want to grow old with. I found that person in that special someone somewhere.

Ocean…beautiful, mysterious, wild and free. Making us feel humble, tiny and ispired. No matter if it’s calm or rough is always beautiful and calms my restless soul.

We had a dream. We had a dream about sailing boat. Non of us know how to sail but we were willing to learn someday. We were dreaming about raising sails up and sail wherever wind takes us. We were not affraid of storms because we knew that is how we learn to sail our ship.

We wanted to wander and not feel lost.
We wanted to catch our wave and ride it…together.
We wanted to be captains…captains of our souls.

We knew we can’t direct where the wind blows but we knew we could adjust the sails.

We knew we can be stronger than bumpy horizone ahead.

For us it was important that we are together..even if that would mean that sailing boat wouldn’t leave safe harbour. Our safe harbour were eachothers arms, hug, look in the eyes.

He still feels like my safe harbour, he is anchor to my soul when the waves come crashing down. He was anchor that kept my feet on the ground and I was trying to be the wings that kept his heart in the clouds.

He is a lighthouse! Shinning!

“Ocean separtes land, not souls.”

Let’s sail away. Just us and the world out there!

F*** the ice cream!

I’m not good in picking movies. Our deal was that he is the one choosing movies to watch and that he is the one making playlist for car. And let me tell you, he has an awesome taste.

He showed me some awesome movies and he “introduced” me to some awesome music authors. He recorded CD named Someday for me…I put earphones in and listen that music every single day.

He really has capability to”push the right buttons”.

Blue jay is a movie I came across…I saw trailer and thought that might be a good one. I remember watching it, I remember seeing so many similarities to us.

I remember when we used word us for the first time…I knew at that moment that words are magic.

What if you could almost literally get a look at the path not taken? What if you could consider the differences between the teen you and the adult you in stark contrast? Would you regret the choices you made? Would you change your life?

“Blue Jay” is a gentle, genuine trip down memory lane. Two great actors are more than up to the challenge, giving so much to one another that we fill in the history of their relationship and the years they have spent apart.

Two former high school sweethearts unexpectedly reunite in their old hometown, where they rediscover their magical bond and face a shared regret.

It’s a dialogue driven piece but it works perfectly because of what is unsaid verbally and what we get from a looks, smiles and laughters.

It’s something about the movie…the details, smiles, looks and touches…that reminded me of us. And exactly that “something” makes this movie special…seeing us in them.

Drinking crappy coffee, he leaving only pink and purple jelly beans because she loves those, dancing in the living room, goofing around, calling eachother weird, the looks they share, the words that don’t need to be spoken, pleasent silence..and…kissing after 20 years.

F*** the ice cream song in rapper style!

That is so us in our weird way. That is so us…loving. That is so us…meant to be…us who go through everything that is designed to tear us apart and come out even stronger than we were before. Us that don’t give up on each other when we go through hard times, even if it’s the easy thing to do.

“I love our story. Sure it’s messy, but it’s the story that got us here.”